8-9-2020 THE TRAIL TEACHES YOU

 

“The trail teaches you what you need to learn.” ~Thru Hiker Aphorism

Growing up, trauma happened to me in big ways. Not little stuff. Big stuff. House burning down. Brother diagnosed with profound mental challenges. Brother almost dying in car accident and being in a coma. Mom diagnosed with cancer. The list goes on. For me BAD things, really BAD things are big. I know I can survive them. I have in the past. Little bad things though, give me trouble. Sadly my ability to handle the big stuff well has caused me to react to small stressors in unhealthy ways. It’s called “fawn response.” I try to stop bad or uncomfortable things by controlling everything around me.

It’s exhausting.

When Dad and I were on the trail, I was petrified that I had gotten us lost. It wasn’t true and frankly a little impossible. Physically, Dad was holding up great. Slow and steady over 4,000 feet of elevation with a 45 pound pack on his back.

BUT

BUT…

I was worried.

On the AT, you get into what they call the green tunnel where everything looks the same. One foot in front of the other to the next white blaze. You can sometimes miss signs and markers. I knew we had to get to Byron Reece to get to my car. Byron Reece descent is HARD. Thunder is in the distance. People are coming up the trail huffing and puffing.

My Garmin is dying and had lost satellite.

My phone is at 10% and has no signal.

Dad is starting to get tired.

More thunder.

Raindrops.

People assure us we’re going the right way.

Dad is slowing.

I’m checking my phone, my Garmin, my paper map. Asking everyone I see “Is this the Byron Reece?” Everyone assures me yes. I’m going the right way. Quarter mile to the parking lot. You’ve got it.

Fawn response activates.

Dad senses it.

“I need a break” he says.

We stop on an outcrop. My heart is racing; this whole trip will be ruined because we are going to have to scale down the Byron Reece (which is no exaggeration…it’s ACTUAL ropes over muddy rocks scaling) in a downpour.

Dad sits stubbornly on his rock. Breathes. Drinks water. Starts to tell me a story. It will be a long story. I need to move him off this rock. Down this mountain before it gets slippery. Before it gets dangerous. Before this whole trip is ruined because I somehow got us lost (I didn’t) and also overestimated his ability to do this (I didn’t) and maybe the parking lot isn’t even down there and all those people were wrong (they weren’t). Dad keeps talking, keeps handing me the water. I’m bouncing from foot to foot.

He keeps talking. He is fully comfortable on his rock. More people go past us. Dad makes me drink water.

Then he stops. Looks at me. “I am being very calculated and making myself take 10 minutes. I want to go, but I know that I need the discipline to force myself to rest.”

Dad, could you tell that almost made me cry? Could you tell?

I stopped bouncing. I sat down behind him. Thunder rumbled. More raindrops. I looked down the trail knowing it was far more than a quarter of a mile to the parking lot. Dad kept handing me the water bottle. When we were ready, we got up. It was more than ten minutes. It was purposeful.

He knew.

Right now I am looking at a school year with the 100^th anniversary of Milton High School yearbook on my shoulders—as a SECOND year advisor. I am learning multiple new systems of teaching. I don’t even know if I will have content to put into the book. I don’t know how I will teach. I don’t know what it will even look like. I should have spent the entire weekend learning InDesign, Photoshop, and watching tutorials about MS Teams, Infinite Campus, Notebook, One Note, making and remaking lesson plans.

But I didn’t.

I sat on a rock with my dad. I drank water and listened to the thunder roll in.

We walked down those slippery dangerous steps together. We got DRENCHED. So drenched in fact, that I’m airing out my car because we brought water into it with our wet clothes.

And you know what?

It made the trip perfect.

This year, we can hear the thunder, see the slippery steps, even feel the raindrops. We are tired and sore and thirsty for what is comfortable. We WANT to move. To mitigate. To plan, re-plan, plan again.

But I needed my dad to remind me to be disciplined. Take rest. Take stock of your surroundings and have faith in yourself.

I needed this weekend. The book will get made. The school year will happen. The kids will learn.

My dad is a teacher and he knew. The trail knew.

Now I know.  

NOVEL SNIPPET: SCRIVNERS

I saw an article once about a girl with Echolalia who couldn't speak. She would thrash about and bang her head and only repeat phrases back to her parents. She'd flap her hands and slap her face in frustration that they didn’t understand. Then, one day she found a computer and started to type words: “chocolate,” “Starburst,” “Lemondrop.” She, her name was Kelly I think, spoke on her terms--after all what is the point of language if it cannot get you sweets? She spoke through written word, and eventually explained that her brain was inundated with the minutia of her five senses. Her brain took a thousand pictures every time she glanced at someone's face. She felt her clothes were itching her constantly, and heavy, so heavy. Every tiny little noise crawled up her spine and rang in her ears, reverberating incessantly until she could not do anything but beat the air against its assault. Sensory overload caused her verbal silence.

That is why she could only repeat the echoes of what she heard—they echoed so loudly she had to throw them back at the world. She could not make the gaps in her mind wide enough for the story-words to come out through her mouth. But banging on the keys of the computer helped her create space enough to slip herself out of that interior.  Oddly, from the outside, Kelly appeared mad while she typed her letters to the world, hunched over the keyboard, rocking back and forth, slapping one hand against her chest while the other madly typed. Written language helped people understand that she was not mad; she just couldn't tell aloud the stories the way we do. Stories that give us gaps for meanings like time, geography, identity. Stories that may or not may not be true—but that certainly aren't madness. 

My brother has a similar condition: Echolalia. At least, that is part of what he has, a symptom of a larger issue. In the 80’s we didn’t know that mercury-flavored word: autism.  They mistakenly called Durward’s condition “schizophrenia” or maybe “mental retardation” while staring at us over clipboards.

As a child, I wanted so much to love him. But I hated his constant need. I don’t hate him now. In fact, I’d argue he saved my soul and the souls of a lot of people. If we have souls. I like to think we do.

I saw another article about other children with disorders like Ward. They would sit with “transcribers” who would hold the child’s elbow, and like magic! AHA! The child could speak fluently through the computer. Families paid thousands of dollars to the false notion that their loved one was simply trapped inside a body that would not behave. Sadly, a few years and hundreds of thousands of dollars later, those families learned. The “transcribers” were the ones typing for the kids. That, yes, a fraction of those children were freed by keyboards and now able to “speak” through computers, but these scrivners were no Bartlebys. Most of them were frauds. Most of those parents had spent life savings to be shammed either purposefully or unconsciously by transcribers who were saying what they thought these kids wanted to be said. Kids like Ward are in there, somewhere, but computers cannot free them.  

Ward doesn’t really “speak”. He echoes back to me what I say: “Durward, do you want to go outside?”

“Outside?”

“Where is your shoe?”

“Shoe!” But I told stories for him, like the transcribers. I filled in the gaps for him. I said I loved him, because that is what good little girls do.

And I was a good little girl. 

Eventually the story I thought I was telling became true so then...was it ever really a story at all? 

RECIPE: AUNT DIANE'S CHRISTMAS CRACK

• 1.5 sleeves of saltine crackers
• 2 stick (4 oz) butter
• 1 cup packed light brown sugar
• 1 and ½ packages of milk chocolate chips

 

 

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Prepare the baking sheet by lining it with wax paper and spraying the paper with nonstick cooking spray.

 

2. Arrange the crackers in a single layer on the baking sheet so that there are no empty spaces in between them. Crush any remaining crackers into small crumbs and set aside for now.

 

 

3. Place the butter and brown sugar in a small saucepan over medium-high heat.

Stir while the butter melts, and bring the mixture to a rolling boil. Allow to boil for 3 minutes while continuously frothing. Then carefully pour the sugar-butter mixture over the crackers on the baking sheet in an even layer, trying to cover most of the crackers. If you miss some spots, don’t worry as the toffee will spread in the oven.

 

4. Bake the toffee crackers at 350 degrees for five minutes, until the toffee is bubbling all over. Carefully remove the pan from the oven.

 

5. Sprinkle the chocolate chips on top of the hot toffee, and allow them to sit for one minute to soften and melt. Once softened, use an offset spatula or knife to spread the melted chocolate over the entire surface of the toffee in an even layer. While the chocolate is still sticky, sprinkle the top with the reserved crushed crackers.

 

6. Refrigerate the pan to set the toffee and chocolate for about 2 hours. Once set, break into small uneven pieces by hand, and enjoy! Store uneaten saltine toffee in an airtight container for up to a week.

RECIPE: MUSHROOM BREAKFAST CASSEROLE & ROCKSTAR CASSEROLE

MUSHROOM BREAKFAST CASSEROLE: 

Ingredients:

• 1 can cream of mushroom soup
• 1 can (7oz) can of mushrooms
• 6 eggs or egg substitute
• 1 tbsp onion, chopped
• 1/2 cups milk, soy milk or rice milk
• 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese or soy cheese
• approximately 4 slices whole grain bread
• 1 tbsp cooking oil or spray

Preparation:

In a skillet, sautee can of mushroom and onions in cooking oil or spray for about 5 minutes, until lightly browned. Layer mushroom and onions  in the bottom of a 9"x 9" pan. Cut bread slices into 1 inch strips and layer them across the mushrooms.

In a small bowl mix the eggs and milk with cream of mushroom soup. Pour egg mixture evenly over the bread slices. Cover with shredded cheese.

Cover and refrigerate overnight.

Bake uncovered in a 350 degree oven for 35 to 45 minutes until golden on top. Garnish with parsley

........................................................................................................................................................

ROCKSTAR BREAKFAST CASSEROLE: 

•  30 oz. bag of frozen shredded hash browns
• 5 eggs
• 2/3 cup milk
• 2 (10.5 oz.) cans of cream of potato soup
• Package refrigerated crescent  rolls
• 1 (16 oz.) tub of sour cream
• 1 lb sausage cooked, drained
• 1/2 of a medium to large yellow onion, diced
• 2 cups of fresh grated sharp cheddar cheese
• 2 cups of your favorite cheese blend (I use a six cheese Italian blend that consists of Parmesan, Mozzarella, Fontina, Provolone, Asiago and Romano)
• 2 tablespoons of pepper
• salt to taste
• dash of smoked paprika

DIRECTIONS

 

Night before:

1. Spray a  9 x 13 pan with  cooking spray then line with crescent rolls (uncooked)-this will be your crust

2. Beat eggs and milk in small bowl

3. Pour egg mixture over crescent rolls

4. Spread sausage over egg mixture (it will blend with egg mixture)

5.  Chop the onion, grate the cheese. Mix together with the sour cream, hash browns, soup, onion, cheddar cheese and seasonings.

6. Spread over sausage/egg mixture and top with cheese blend. 

6. Refrigerate overnight. 

7. Bake at 325 degrees for one hour or until hot, bubbly and golden brown around the edges.

 

If you make it the night before, take it out of the refrigerator about 20 minutes before baking.

 

Also, if you so desire, sprinkling cooked bacon on top adds even more flavor and a nice crunch.

Now all you have to do in the morning is pop into the oven when you wake up and enjoy it an hour later!

RECIPE: WHITE CHILI

3 tablespoons olive oil

1 medium onion, finely chopped

1 can (4-ounces) chopped green chilies, drained

3 tablespoons all-purpose flour

2 teaspoons ground cumin

2 cans (16 ounces) BUSH'S BEST Great Northern Beans

1 can(14.5 ounces) chicken broth

1 can(14.5 ounces) white corn

1 ½ cups shredded cooked chicken breast

Shredded Monterey Jack cheese (optional)

1 chopped jalapeno (optional)

Sour cream (optional)

Green Salsa (optional)

 

In large skillet, cook onion in oil for 4 minutes or until transparent. Add chilies, flour and cumin; cook and stir for 2 minutes. Add beans, corn and chicken broth; bring to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer for 10 minutes or until thickened. Add chicken; cook until hot.

 

Garnish with cheese, sour cream, jalapeno and salsa, if desired.

RECIPE: MIRZA

Ingredients

8 eggs, large
2 large eggplants
6 large tomatoes, chopped
2 tablespoons garlic puree
2 teaspoons tumeric
salt, black pepper
1/4 cup olive oil

1. Prick eggplants all over. Place on a cookie sheet and bake at 400º for about 20 minutes or until very tender.

2. In the mean time mince the garlic and puree by pressing down your knife and smashing it by firmly dragging the knife over the garlic.

3. Once the eggplants are ready, take them out of the oven and let them rest for five minutes Then dunk them in a bowl of ice water (it helps you peel them more easily). 

4. Once they have cooled down peel the skin off. This should be easy and quick.

5. Rough chop the eggplant and mash with a fork. Also, chop your tomatoes.

6. Season eggs with salt and pepper. Whisk until frothy.

7. Warm up the oil and add the garlic. Add turmeric, stir constantly and cook for about 4 minutes.

8. Add eggs and stir well. Cook eggs as you would when making scrambled eggs. 

9. Move eggs to center of pot. Add eggplants and tomatoes in a circle around the eggs. Season with salt and pepper.

10. Cook covered on medium-high stirring often until the liquid has evaporated. 

11. Stir well so that the eggs are uniformly mixed with the eggplant and tomatoes.

12. Serve Mirza Ghassemi with a side of thinly sliced cucumbers and plain yogurt.

RECIPE: LOW CAL VEGETABLE SOUP

INGREDIENTS

• 1 heaping cup diced onion (160 g, approx. 1 small or 1/2 a large)
• 1 heaping cup peeled and diced carrot (160 g, approx. 2 medium)
• 1 diced green pepper
• 1 cup chopped celery (150 g, approx. 3 ribs)
• 1/2 a jalapeno, de-seeded and minced (or a whole one for extra spiciness)
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 tsp each cumin, oregano and chili powder
• 3-4 cups vegetable broth (start with 3 cups, add a bit if it seems to thick)
• 1 cup (250 mL) tomato sauce (any plain tomato pasta sauce works)
• 1 19 oz can black beans, drained and rinsed (330 g, about 2 cups cooked)
• 1/2 cup finely chopped cilantro
• salt and pepper, to taste
• squeeze of fresh lime juice

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add the onion, carrot, celery, garlic and bell pepper to a soup pot with a bit of the vegetable broth and cook for 5-10 minutes until starting to soften.
2. Stir in the spices and cook for a few more minutes.
3. Add the broth, tomato sauce and black beans and simmer lightly until the carrots are tender, about 15 minutes.
4. Scoop half of the soup into a blender and puree until very smooth.
5. Pour it back into the pot and stir in the cilantro. Season with salt and pepper and add a squeeze of fresh lime juice, if desired.

NOTES

• Sub 2-3 chili peppers in adobo sauce for the jalapeno for more of a chipotle flavour.
• Start with 3 cups of vegetable broth and add a bit more if it seems to thick, it just depends on the exact amount of veggies you use and how thick you want your soup. 

NUTRITION

• Serving Size: 1/6th of recipe (350 g)
• Calories: 157
• Fat: 1 g
• Carbohydrates: 30 g
• Fiber: 9 g
• Protein: 7 g